BURBANK, CA—Telling the movie-going public that it had "better start falling in line," executives at Touchstone Pictures announced Monday that if they do not immediately see a significant increase in box-office receipts they will not hesitate to produce a sequel to the 2000 film Coyote Ugly.
The original movie—which follows a small-town girl who supports her songwriting dreams by taking a job as one of many scantily clad barmaids at a New York City hot spot—was widely considered by critics to be a vapid cultural travesty. According to Touchstone Pictures president Peter Zaiff, however, if the nation doesn't continue to blindly accept all products distributed by the entertainment industry, he'll produce a sequel to the film that "makes the first Coyote Ugly look like On The fucking Waterfront."
"We are dead serious, you assholes," Zaiff said. "You're going to like what we tell you to like, end-of-fucking-story. Now fill up those seats, or so help me God, it's Coyote Ugly II: Get Uglier."
For six months you won't be able to do so much as buy a cup of coffee without having to stare at ads for this pile of puke," Zaiff said. "We'll inundate you with so many promotions and cross-promotions, you'll see the logo in your nightmares. "
- This story is a synapsis of the full story from The Onion
.jpg)
